penn1
Junior Member
Posts: 52
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JOKES
Nov 4, 2008 6:58:06 GMT -5
Post by penn1 on Nov 4, 2008 6:58:06 GMT -5
He said to me . .. . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? I said to him . . They don't have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? He said. . . A widow.
He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him . . .... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
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penn1
Junior Member
Posts: 52
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JOKES
Nov 15, 2008 16:25:07 GMT -5
Post by penn1 on Nov 15, 2008 16:25:07 GMT -5
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.' 'What type of bra?' asked the clerk. 'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?' 'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.' Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple... '
The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
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penn1
Junior Member
Posts: 52
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JOKES
Dec 5, 2008 17:36:14 GMT -5
Post by penn1 on Dec 5, 2008 17:36:14 GMT -5
Deer Camp The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy shared the room with Bob and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?'
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'That Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.'
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Marine - a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Great morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.'
'Bob sat up and watched me all night.'
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penn1
Junior Member
Posts: 52
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JOKES
Dec 18, 2008 8:11:06 GMT -5
Post by penn1 on Dec 18, 2008 8:11:06 GMT -5
FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two
men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men
to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair . . . Kill her!!' The Don said, 'You can't be serious I could
never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Gamey came out with
tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said,
'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. BC was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood BC, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is
loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them!
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JOKES
Dec 18, 2008 10:14:44 GMT -5
Post by Blue Clues on Dec 18, 2008 10:14:44 GMT -5
Good one!
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penn1
Junior Member
Posts: 52
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JOKES
Dec 23, 2008 6:39:50 GMT -5
Post by penn1 on Dec 23, 2008 6:39:50 GMT -5
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Oh, and my FAVORITE... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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